Why Americans Don't Watch Soccer

[presto]

It is a question that has been debated by the finest minds in the world: Why don't Americans watch soccer? Why is it that a game so embraced by the rest of the planet is only attempted by about 8% of the American population? A myriad of reasons have been set forth by a number of commentators, ranging from political to those who believe Americans are just too fat to move.

#01
There aren't enough points.
(Because what good is a sport if you can't bury your opponent under a 100 point lead?)

#02
It's boring to watch.
(And baseball is known for being exceptionally exciting to watch.)

#03
We have too many sports already.
(Sports that we are good enough at playing to not be slaughtered in by Finland every four years.)

#04
A history of colonialism makes it politically untenable.
(Setting: Boston Common, 1776. Britain to America: Here's a fun game for you to play, colonies. America to Britain: How about we have a revolution and you shove that fun game up your ass, oppressors?)

#05
There's too much distracting product placement.
(Hi Kettle, it's Pot. Feeling black today?)

#06
The pacing of the game makes it difficult to edit for television.
(The Budweiser Clydesdales aren't interested in making commercials shorter than 40 seconds.)

#07
It's not violent enough.
(No fights, no blood, no deal.)

#08
We didn't think the game up and it is therefore suspect.
(Translation: We don't know the rules.)

#09
We don't kick balls; we kick ass!
(And when we do kick balls, we get our asses kicked.)

#10
We have never won a championship.
(Well, the boys haven't, but see #11.)

#11
It's game for Commies and girls.
(If this were true, then the best team in the world should be the Chinese women's team, but who beat them in 1999 FIFA Women's World Cup? Wait for it...wait for it...wait...the American women's team! Oh hell yes! Capitalist ladies for soccer in the States! Who's with me?)